Its funny, how you care for something or someone so much that you cant bare to lose them or be without them, so you do whatever u can to keep them. You hold onto them SO MUCH, so tightly, so u dont lose them, you end up doing everything wrong... and rather then pulling them in, you PUSH them away!
Like a glass piece of glass, a glass cup or bowl, anything fragile...
If you hold it to hard, or squeeze it...
It will break!!! It will shatter, it will be destroyed!
This has been my life for say the last 8years... (I say 8, even tho the reason I am this way mainly accured 12yrs ago, because I wasnt always like this... it took time to develop and more mistrust, and more lies. I used to trust unconditionally. Now im the opposite).
So I get close to someone, and I am so scared I will lose them to another girl, that they like someone else better, or their friend is closer to them... or whatever LAME reason my fucked up mind comes up with and I rationalise it...
And so... my mind tells me to hold on to them however I can... like doing stupid things, demanding crazy things of them and yet I cant stop it. I know its dumb, but every part of me cant take it back, I cant change it, I build it up SO much and my mind tells me that if they dont do it, I'll go CRAZY, I'll go insane, I cant handle it, I will lose them!!!
And ya see, in doing this, I grab them so tight, I sufficate them, I strangle them, and our relationship begins to die, cos I am killing them, I am destroying what we have. I am trying to hold on to so much, that the glass shatters, it breaks, and the one thing I have been trying to avoid...
.... happens.....
and they leave, they walk away...
And I am left alone.
Broken, hurt and destroyed all over again.
This has not always been the case, as ive said I used to trust everyone, without a doubt, no questions asked, I didnt hesitate... but then at 15... it happened...
BOOM!
And from that day on, it slowly disappeared, then I trusted again, and was cheated on, so it vanished some more, till someone else lied and even more broke off... to the point where it is completly gone and id say for the last... 4 or 5 years I have not trusted anyone, and I have done the above, and pushed every guy Ive been with away. I have not let anyone really in, and i have built this wall to protect myself, which only causes me to get even more hurt. And in an every worse state then I am now...
Wow... I cud go on forever, but I wont... god I am truly pathetic!
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1 comments for this post
You act like your life is so bad and there is no way you can go back or be the person you want to be that’s defiantly wrong. Look at women across the globe that are beaten, abused that have been through hell and back! Yet!!!! They come out the other side.
Get out of the cycle pf destruction, lay down your insecurities.. Enjoy life why waste so much time?