Friends...
I used to have so many friends and even used to be such a social creature, but things happened... over time people moved away, others just grew apart... but anyway now I wonder where my friends even are. Not the ones I had as kid but now. I mean I am alone. Even when amongst people, I feel so alone.
But I wonder...
When you finally meet people that you trust enough to share your life with, even someone you feel you can be open with and actually share your problems and your hurts with... Someone you can rely on... its an amazing thing. Something to be cherished.
But what truly is a friend?
According to the dictionary a friend is:
1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
4. One who supports, sympathizes with
And yes there are prolly many other things a friend can be. A friend is someone who is there for you and supports you no matter how bad things get, cos they are your friend and they understand you or try to, and if they dont, they are your friend, so like family, they put up with you even when its hard and your been unreasonable.
Sometimes friendship is hard, sometimes it means giving up what you want, sometimes it means going against everything you know to help the other person. Its helping to lift them back up... sometimes friendship means doing anything you can to save them.
I mean, everyone tells you in crisis to be with your friends, to be around those who care for you and love you. Everyone says you need your friends...
But what happens when your friends leave you?
When your friends dont stick by?
When the things your struggling with cause you to be unreasonable?
Cause you to be irrational?
Cause you to do and say stupid things?
And so your friends leave...
So now not only are you alone, you are alone with your struggles and your hurt and your pain. You are alone with no shoulder to cry on. No one to run to, no one to talk to, no one to listen, no one care...
At the very time you need them to be there...
I guess Im not worth saving or worth doing everything you can for.
I guess Im just not a very good friend... therefore no one I thought was my friend really was.
I guess I will always just remain alone...
Its funny, how you care for something or someone so much that you cant bare to lose them or be without them, so you do whatever u can to keep them. You hold onto them SO MUCH, so tightly, so u dont lose them, you end up doing everything wrong... and rather then pulling them in, you PUSH them away!
Like a glass piece of glass, a glass cup or bowl, anything fragile...
If you hold it to hard, or squeeze it...
It will break!!! It will shatter, it will be destroyed!
This has been my life for say the last 8years... (I say 8, even tho the reason I am this way mainly accured 12yrs ago, because I wasnt always like this... it took time to develop and more mistrust, and more lies. I used to trust unconditionally. Now im the opposite).
So I get close to someone, and I am so scared I will lose them to another girl, that they like someone else better, or their friend is closer to them... or whatever LAME reason my fucked up mind comes up with and I rationalise it...
And so... my mind tells me to hold on to them however I can... like doing stupid things, demanding crazy things of them and yet I cant stop it. I know its dumb, but every part of me cant take it back, I cant change it, I build it up SO much and my mind tells me that if they dont do it, I'll go CRAZY, I'll go insane, I cant handle it, I will lose them!!!
And ya see, in doing this, I grab them so tight, I sufficate them, I strangle them, and our relationship begins to die, cos I am killing them, I am destroying what we have. I am trying to hold on to so much, that the glass shatters, it breaks, and the one thing I have been trying to avoid...
.... happens.....
and they leave, they walk away...
And I am left alone.
Broken, hurt and destroyed all over again.
This has not always been the case, as ive said I used to trust everyone, without a doubt, no questions asked, I didnt hesitate... but then at 15... it happened...
BOOM!
And from that day on, it slowly disappeared, then I trusted again, and was cheated on, so it vanished some more, till someone else lied and even more broke off... to the point where it is completly gone and id say for the last... 4 or 5 years I have not trusted anyone, and I have done the above, and pushed every guy Ive been with away. I have not let anyone really in, and i have built this wall to protect myself, which only causes me to get even more hurt. And in an every worse state then I am now...
Wow... I cud go on forever, but I wont... god I am truly pathetic!
I used to think I knew what love was... I also used to think I had it all together, I have learnt that I was wrong.
I used to think that love was this amazing feeling you get when your with someone. You know what Im talking about...
- When you cant get them out of your mind
- When thinking of them makes you smile
- When you get butterflies in your stomach by the sound of their voice
- When you kiss them and the world around you fades away. Thats right, when your with them nothing else matters, cos when your with them all your pain goes away.
"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love." - Sophocles
We all can describe in so many ways what love is and how it makes us feel, and even I could go on about what I thought was. But if what I thought was love, was really love, I would not be so broken and destroyed... and in turn destroying everyone around me.
I have come to the conclusion, that maybe, I have NEVER truly loved in my life, and I only think this because I have discovered what I believe love is... and I dont claim to be any sort of great christian or anything, but I do 100% agree with this:
I want to love purely, and trust fully, to be kind and patient, hope and protect... to be honest...
I have been hurt so often since I was 15yrs old, that I built up walls, and not let people in. And now when I need love and I need people in my life, the very one I need I am pushing away :(
I used to trust and love so easilyand purely, why did I let ONE event ruin me?
Well today is today, and its a new day and although I may act the same tomorrow, I know that today I want to change, today I want to be different, today I want to grow and break the chain of shit from my past. TODAY I WANT TO BREAK FREE!
(sorry cudnt resist putting that line in there)... but seriously...
No matter what tomorrow brings, or what I may say or how I may act,
TODAY I want to make a true effort!!!
Heres the thing… i’ve literally had a life of hell. Who knows maybe one day I’ll crack and share more about my past and why I am so demented (other then my engagment been called off cos im not thin enuf). But for now… trust…
I TRUST NO ONE!!!
It is that simple, I freak out about everything. If im with a guy, I find it hard to trust him with a women. And not necessarily cos I dont trust him, but I dont trust her!
Cos well, yes men r dogs – they lie and cheat and follow their dicks!
But they r not totally at fault, women flaunt themselves and flirt and wear skimpy outfits and try to sway taken men from their partners, and yea it sickens me!
Why cant women just be ok with who they have, or finding a guy that isnt with a girl! I know we r insecure, and want to feel wanted and needed so we wear as little as possible to show our bodies so men desire us…
SEE… the very reason I dont trust women.
Its a damn VICIOUS cycle and I dont know how to escape it!
How do you learn to trust? as children we do so naturally, and I did. I used to trust everyone!!!
Now I dont trust no one till they earn it, but I am constantly watching them, looking out for them to break it. Its insane.
And even writing them I am like getting tears, cos I know its screwed up and a mess. But I cant help it. Its like some disease, that wen Im wit someone its comes up and attacks and I have no weapons to fight it!
Seriously… ANYONE in the cyber world… HOW???
HOW DO YOU LEARN TO TRUST OVA AGAIN???
When everyone you’ve ever been close to has left u? or hurt u? ur lied to u? or abused u? or cheated on u? …
when everyone u have ever trusted and given yourself to, has betrayed u and left u broken!!!
How do u get back up from a lifetime of ruin? Or in my case…. im 27… so 12 years… of hating myself, and not trusting fully, or trying but been spat one everytime…
I am at a loss… I am in this cycle, and have been since I was 15… and I havent been able to get out, and I still cant.
Post One...Talking to myself… I was told once thats a true sign of insanity. I guess I will see in time and who knows maybe sum1 else will read this that would be kinda cool. I can garantee it will b interesting, mayb a tad disturbing, even depressing… but im sure sum days will good and I will post sumthing funny or shocking even? I guess on this journey alone or with you… we will see what the future holds.
Well to catch you up on my life, well at least teh recent days…
Its been 2 months since my ex (fiance) called off the wedding, the engagment and ended our relationship. His reasons were, to be blunt, pathetic!!! Not thin enuf.
And now, I know I havent inserted a photo, but im just an average girl. Not stick thin, but no beached whales either, lol. Some even call me sexy
But I wasnt my ex’s liking it seems (now if he had never proposed in the first place I’d prolly be more ok, but I dont understand why he asked me to marry him to start with? anyway)… in the last 2 months, he has txt, called, sent me photos of himself, begging, pleading with me to take him back, in amongst insulting me, calling me a whore, a tart, fat, ugly, then saying he loves me and he didnt mean a word of it. Each day is new, a day of niceness, a day of cruelty.
Along with other events in my life… I am now lifeless, broken, hurt, fragile, feeling hopeless, I get jealous of nothing, I dont trust anyone. I am fully messed up.
Well, not sure wat else to write, I cud write novels daily Im sure, yea I have that much pain and hurt to write about, but I will stop here…
I am just talking to myself anyone… I think I am truly am insane.
Well to catch you up on my life, well at least teh recent days…
Its been 2 months since my ex (fiance) called off the wedding, the engagment and ended our relationship. His reasons were, to be blunt, pathetic!!! Not thin enuf.
And now, I know I havent inserted a photo, but im just an average girl. Not stick thin, but no beached whales either, lol. Some even call me sexy
But I wasnt my ex’s liking it seems (now if he had never proposed in the first place I’d prolly be more ok, but I dont understand why he asked me to marry him to start with? anyway)… in the last 2 months, he has txt, called, sent me photos of himself, begging, pleading with me to take him back, in amongst insulting me, calling me a whore, a tart, fat, ugly, then saying he loves me and he didnt mean a word of it. Each day is new, a day of niceness, a day of cruelty.
Along with other events in my life… I am now lifeless, broken, hurt, fragile, feeling hopeless, I get jealous of nothing, I dont trust anyone. I am fully messed up.
Well, not sure wat else to write, I cud write novels daily Im sure, yea I have that much pain and hurt to write about, but I will stop here…
I am just talking to myself anyone… I think I am truly am insane.
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