I used to think I knew what love was... I also used to think I had it all together, I have learnt that I was wrong.

I used to think that love was this amazing feeling you get when your with someone.  You know what Im talking about...
- When you cant get them out of your mind
- When thinking of them makes you smile
- When you get butterflies in your stomach by the sound of their voice
- When you kiss them and the world around you fades away. Thats right, when your with them nothing else matters, cos when your with them all your pain goes away.
"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love." - Sophocles

We all can describe in so many ways what love is and how it makes us feel, and even I could go on about what I thought was.  But if what I thought was love, was really love, I would not be so broken and destroyed... and in turn destroying everyone around me.
I have come to the conclusion, that maybe, I have NEVER truly loved in my life, and I only think this because I have discovered what I believe love is... and I dont claim to be any sort of great christian or anything, but I do 100% agree with this:

And I have never given of myself that way.  I think I have done everything else but that.  And it saddens me greatly that I have been incapable.   And I need to find that again, I really do.  I cant let my past dictate my future, it has ruined my life enough, and it is proceeding to destroy it even now.  I am sorry to all I have hurt, and pushed away, I am sorry for the emotional abuse I have given.  For the mistrust and lies. Its seems I have become the very person I hate.

I want to love purely, and trust fully, to be kind and patient, hope and protect... to be honest...

I have been hurt so often since I was 15yrs old, that I built up walls, and not let people in.  And now when I need love and I need people in my life, the very one I need I am pushing away :(
I used to trust and love so easilyand purely, why did I let ONE event ruin me?

Well today is today, and its a new day and although I may act the same tomorrow, I know that today I want to change, today I want to be different, today I want to grow and break the chain of shit from my past.  TODAY I WANT TO BREAK FREE!
(sorry cudnt resist putting that line in there)... but seriously...
No matter what tomorrow brings, or what I may say or how I may act,

TODAY I want to make a true effort!!!