So, its like a day later, and already the positive outlook I had (ok well semi positive) is dying.  It seems there is just to much shit to overcome to change my perspective to a more positive one. 

I have all these issues, all this built up heartache and pain, so much brokeness Ive hidden away, or so I thought.  When really its just been coming out in other ways, like jealously, obession, control, possessiveness, self hatred, depression etc...

Its funny how we hide something and think we have it under control, but really it controls us. 

Ive been cracked for about 13yrs, and the holes have just been getting bigger and messier, and now I am just a broken mess, so far out of my depth I dont even know how to change. 
Habits are hard to break, especially ones so ingrained in your life, so deep you cant even dig far enough to find them. 

I was talking to a guy recently, it was nice, he was abit older, maybe that helped, and although even with someone I didnt even know, I was giving him my full on opinions, trying to control his life, as if what I said even mattered to him, he didnt know me, his life was of no concern to me, yet still there I was... almost forcing him to agree with me, like I know all, like I am the great Yoda, but im not. 
I try to act like I am, maybe cos I feel important, maybe cos if I cant fix my life I can help someone else.  I dunno.  It was nice to talk to someone, and although we only scratched the surface of our issues, I think we connected and maybe if I didnt scare him off with my values and opinions we will chat again, and dive into the depths of our inner most selves - now thats a scary thought.  Its something I need to do, and actually something I want to do, its just finding someone who will understand and you can trust to listen and not judge.  Im not sure I will ever find that person though.