13yrs of been messed up... and still under 30... (which is messed up in itself).
I dont know why I havent figured it all out yet.  Ive talked to people, asked for help, had help...
and still I am fucked up.

I dont know how to help myself, and no one knows how to help me - although many ways have been tried.
- How about, ignore the problem?  or my so called friends ignore me while im acting out or acting depressed or whatever.
- How about tell me to change (cos if it were that easy Id have done it by now)
- Move on, forget the past, stop holding on to it.

How can you change when no one gives you a shot?
I mean, Ive told friends my issues, and when something happens, they choose to ignore me, and hope the issue will go away, rather then talk to me, rather then actually seek deeper to help me, just ignore me.  And yea I know my friends arent counsellors and they do the best they can, but ignoring the problems never make them go away.  In most cases, when things are ignored they usually just grow bigger.

Its funny, I write that, and it even makes it sound like I have friends, which I dont.  I am SO messed up, that I dont even have them.  Not really.  I have people I know on facebook, or msn, I have people ive met online on skype etc... but friends, real friends that I hang with in person, laugh with, people who know me - there are none.
Not a few, or one or two.  But none.
I am SO messed up, that from a childhood of happiness and been so popular and having more friends then I ever needed, to having NONE.
To crying as I type this, to looking at people from my childhoods facebook, how they have remained friends with people from our class or school, how they have travelled, how they are happy...
and then I look at me, and I am full of regret.
I have nothing.
I have noone
Ive done nothing
Ive been nowhere
And I have nothing to show for it.  No money, No house, No assets, No children, No partner... Nothing... but tears and regret and loss and pain and brokenness.
I dont know how to get out.
I dont know how to start over
I dont know how to clear the past and start a fresh
I dont know how to forget or to forgive
I dont know how to trust :(
I dont know how!!!!
And it tears me up inside.  I cant deal with it anymore.  Im sitting here crying my eyes out... alone.
I am lost and confused and tired.
Some days I have a moment of happiness, but its fleeting and never lasts.  Although in the real world I can cover it well, in the online world not so much, I guess I am more open here.  Although still messed up.
Sometimes I just dont even know why I bother, its been 13years and nothing has improved, just got worse, I dont know what the point is to even try.  I fail so often.  My whole life is a failure.
And yet the one friend I thought I cud trust and call out to, again, just ignored me, thinking I was causing drama and lying.  Sorry that when I pour my heart out, and its so full of pain and hurt that it seems like drama and lies.
But this is me, if I cud record sound ud hear my tears and sobs and sniffles...its funny, when u lie, people think its truth and when u tell the truth people think its lies.  I used to pride myself on been truthful, honest to a fault... blunt!  And my friend knew this, yet still... when I would tell him my heart, and hurt, to him it was just more drama and lies. 

I mean fuck... it wouldnt be drama and lies anymore if I just gave up... not that he would know, or care... cos we dont even talk anymore, because of my drama and lies... so we dont talk... so he wouldnt know if i ceased to exist.
Sometimes giving up just seems easier, and honestly, Im sick of fighting, sick of trying for what seems like a pointless cause, sick of been sad and hurting.

Im sick of been lonely. 

Yet its me who pushes people away.
Its all just [part of been messed up and now been a social retard.
Anyway, yet another depressing post, I cud go on... but Im tired, and its pointless.  Im sure no one reads this anyway.  Just talking to myself like some crazy person *woot* go me!