Some people have asked me, why I open up so much, yet still hide a huge chunk of truth (ok not alot of people, cos well, I dont think many people even read this), but its been commented on, as some other stuff has to, but I guess face one thing at a time right...
So its been asked, what happened 13yrs ago?  What started this whole tragic mess...
And I guess, its not so much hiding it, as... is it the sort of thing that you put in a public blog? (even though no one reads it)... Im not sure, but this is my output, my letting go, and where I vent, and even though no one else matters, I believe in the truth and been honest, as much as it can hurt.
So tonight is the night that I will finally face and share the thing that sparked it all.

It was a dark and stormy night.... lol ok kidding.  Sorry, I guess a little humour seems to ease the depth of the situation and make it easier, and yes, I am trying to delay and put this off.... (even that sentence alone took long enough to write). 

So as most of you (the one person who actually reads this lol), may have already guessed and figured out (you clever people, and yes delaying again)... 13yrs ago, when I was 15yrs old, I was raped.  Yes the dreaded R... word, the one we all shun and hide from, I was sexually abused.
Not even legal, a sweet, innocent girl, with hopes and beliefs of true love, and saving myself till marriage (yes it seems I was a fool).  It kinda messed me up.  I didnt tell anyone, not till I was 22, so I held it in for like 7yrs, and well holding a bomb like that inside, is like a volcano ready to burst... and you know one day its got to explode.  My dreams of no sex before marriage were shattered, hopes of true love shattered, I let myself go.  I didnt care about myself or anyone else.  I stopped caring, hating me, hating life, hating it all.
 
Wow how indepth do I go here... Im a fairly strong person, or so I thought, I carried on with life just like everyone else, I dated, studied, went out, I had a life.  I was happy and content - on the outside.  But on the inside I was broken and dying.  Every relationship I was in failed, either he cheated, or left me for someone else, or ran off to a brothel... the one guy I do remember who seemed decent, he moved away and long distance never works.  And after that, they were all bad.

What else do I say?
I went to counselling for over a year, it helped at the time, and I thought it helped completely till my ex (my fiance) called off our engagement cos I wasnt thin enough for him.  
You know the rest... if you've read my other blogs... I dont trust people, I cry all the time... I just hide it well (well in person I do).
So thats that...I guess there is nothing else left to say, you know it all.
13yrs later and I am still messed up, I havent healed, I havent grown, I am still this lil 15yr old girl who is hurting inside and who doesnt know what to do, and who doesnt trust men or anyone else for that matter. 

So again, as I sit here writing my blog in tears, I dont even know if writing this shit helps or not.  Prolly not, prolly just makes me rehash all my shit.  Makes me sad, and makes me cry.  Maybe one day I will have an amazing revelation and just know what to do.
God I hope so.