There are so many things in life that bring us down, it seems things are designed for just that.  I don’t know why, we live in such a beautiful world, without all the man made shit, its actually quite an amazing place.  Sometimes I wish things would just go back to how they were before the internet, before tv, before cell phones… when people relied on each other. 

Its funny, life is so depressing, finances, people, society, hollywood… all setting out to tell us how bad we are.  I mean shit, I think I have failed at almost everything I have done.  As I sit here, writing this as a jobless bum, as a depressive loner, sitting alone in her room.  No money, no friends, no hope, no assets, no life…

 

Well I have a life, yes, I even failed at ending that.  It seems not been able to swallow tablets makes OD’ing so much harder then if u can just swallow a whole heap. (maybe another option is needed)

So, its 2011, tried once to end it and failed!

Time to re-think…

So many thoughts, do I use my joblessness, and live in the gym? And actually lose some weight and sort myself out, and start liking myself again?  Yes I love this plan, but I know me, and Im to unmotivated for it.  I get to the gym, and just want to come home, Im lazy and unmotivated.  So yes GREAT plan, im just not sure if I can pull it out, but the other options aren’t much better.

-          Get a job = ideally yes, but not easy either, and I don’t have the final say in it. 

-          End life = I know, not a great idea, selfish, not worth it blah blah blah… but its SO appealing

-          Get off the computer and do things I enjoy, like my art… get back into my art.   

                                   I  like this idea to, but it doesn’t sort out my health or my lack of job issue.

                             -        Get out and join a club = which I don’t have the money for, and im anti social, 

                                  and I wouldn’t know what to do.

Im sure there are other options, but Im tired and cant think of any… it’s a blog, not an assignment lol This is not a pre set out piece of work, I am just writing out of my head lol. 

Ok, so my new friend told me I had better make this a happy blog, I know, I know… What was he thinking?  He doesn’t know me at all… lol But he wants happy, Im not sure I can do happy, so I’ll just blog about him, till something better comes up. 

I must say, he has managed to bring a smile to face, in all the hours we have talked… I admit, when we first spoke, I thought he was a crazy fuck (in a bad way), I mean he just wouldn’t shut up… I couldn’t keep up with the guy.  I finally shut the guy up, and man, my first assumption was correct, HE IS A FREAK!  LOL…  But anyone at the moment who can make me smile is great in my book \o/   

Its kinda funny actually, u’d look at him, and look at me, and be like WTF?!?!?!?!?!?! 

What are they doing together? Why are they talking to each other? ?!?!?!?!?! Confusion… oddness… jst unable to comprehend that there would be any similarities… but screw u all  lol :P 

My conclusion on the matter is this…

He is a freak on the outside, I am a freak on the inside. 

SO….

He shows on the outside, what I am on the inside :P

So thanks, ya awesome lil freak *pinches your cheek* lol  (to bad ur a damn aussie hehe)

But we’ll see how long that all lasts… lol yup, seeing the depressive loner downer side already (don’t slap me Wyvern)… 

*added some dragon pics I like and already had on my pc, jst for u Wyvern... ya awesome freak* hehe

2011…

I am really at a loss as what to do. I am stumped.

I know for things to change, I have to make a change, but its so far easier said then done.  Habits are hard to break, and honestly, Im just not strong enuf to do it alone… but I have to, cos I have no one around to help me or support me (yes I mentioned Freak guy lol, but he isn’t here)… no one is actually HERE, in the flesh, by me, dealing with me, the real me, not the me online, typing this blog… but ME… seeing my tears, seeing my flaws, seeing my joys, experiencing my failures and successes.  Its different to talking to someone online, but actually experiencing their life with them… is a FAR different connection, and one which I don’t have with anyone.  (I have family, yes, but again its different, u share so much with family, they r forced to stick around, but friends… people who choose u, people who want to be around u, through the good and bad, its different.  I want that, yet its what I lack). 

Yes I know there are ways to solve it, but as said previously… its easier said then done.  I can meet people and be nice, and u get on, and its ok, that’s just what u do, but having that connection with someone, to actually form a strong friendship is different.  It has happened, but everytime it has, (heres the shitter), the person has had to move away, has got married and our friendship changed, they found a better friend and totally changed and we became different people and didn’t get on anymore… or once again, moved away, and well the friendship gradually weakened. 

I just wish I was thinner, prettier, so then I wouldn’t have a problem, cos id be more popular and ppl wud like me and want to be my friend, and I cud shop in any shop I wanted, without worrying about size.  I just feel I cant afford to be who I want to be, I am to self conscious to dress how I want to be, I am to big to wear what I want to wear.  I don’t know, good looking people can do what they want, and have those out going personalities to go with what they do.  They can be freaks and no one cares cos they are hot, they can be out there and weird, and its ok.  Yet if a bigger person does they same, they just look stupid, or are put down, or judged or laughed at, and usually don’t have the personality to carry it off, cos deep down they are crying or hurting inside. 

I just don’t know where to go or what to do.  I wish I had someone to just come beside me and be my friend.  Like in person, actually be here and hang with me and laugh with me and understand me.  And not judge me for my past or my hurts, or my crazy outgoings, or how I look.  But just by my friend and hang with me, and not care, and not walk away cos I have a strong opinion on something, someone that just wont leave. 

I really just hate having no one to hang with, or talk to and I mean REALLY talk to, not someone who reads my blog to get to know me, but someone who actually sits with me and GETS TO KNOW me!!!  It just makes me want to cry, it does make me get all teary eyed at the realization that I do have no one who is really there for me.  Not even one.  I mean, even losers have ONE friend. 

I see my facebook, and see old friends from school, and see how they are still friends with other, and hang out, and it makes me sad.  I see how they are married, or have kids, or both, and yea Im happy for them, but it makes me sad.  It reminds me of friends I had, of my best friend right through college (high school), 5yrs of been besties, hanging out, so much in common, we got on so well.  And then in 7^th form, while Im working, a school friend asks me while I wasn’t at my best friends farewell party the other night, and in shock, I stand there stumped.  My best friend, of 5yrs, all through high school, was leaving the country and didn’t even tell me.  School ends and she leaves, and didn’t even bother to tell me.  It crushed me, I don’t even understand it.  She came back like a year later, and again I find out through someone else, I see her facebook and she looks happy, which is great, but it makes me sad, I just don’t get what I did so wrong, that she wouldn’t tell me she was leaving.  It was like our friendship was some fling, just a high school thing.  Whats up with that?  

Im just not good enough.  Im not smart enough, not pretty enough, not popular enuf, not clever enuf, not funny enuf.   Im just not anything enuf.  I have NOTHING going for me.  I have nothing that stands out, nothing that makes me different from anyone else,  I have nothing to offer anyone, that they cudnt get from anyone else. 

Ok, sorry not so much of a happy blog.  Sorry.  I tried, but I guess when u sit down and just type what u know and what u really feel and are alone, whats inside just comes out.  And this is whats inside.