Well I haven’t written a blog in ALONG time… and yes the last few times were very depressing.

But a blog is a blog, for whatever reason we write, blogs serve a purpose.  And obviously I am still around to blog some more.

Its funny when you blog, the amount of random people that read it, and comment, either publicly or in private.  I mean, weather u effect them in a positive or negative way, blogs effect people, and if mine effected anyone negatively im sorry for that.

-          On that note, I wud like to say sorry personally to Phil, who I know was effected by my blog and actions, Im sorry for been a selfish bitch, and for not giving a shit about you.  Im sorry, and I do regret it and I wish there had been a different outcome to our friendship.  I am forever sorry to you, and I pray that one day you will forgive me, and maybe even talk to me again.  I know that’s a huge ask, but I live in hope everyday. 

So random people reading blogs, ya know, its one thing to read someone elses blog, sorry I didn’t put mine on private, maybe when I look back I should have, so only certain people could have read it, but I didn’t.  But you read someone elses blog, and see their heartache and pain and their turmoil, and their “attention seeking” efforts as many call it, but attention seeking or not, its still a cry out for help, and needs something.  But what I don’t understand, everyone goes through depressing times in our lives, we all cry and hurt, some more than others, some blog about it, some cry out, some hold it in, some don’t think at all and just end their lives, some talk to people, some eat… some do a few of those, but we all do something, in our attempts to make our lives better, or to make the feelings we have disappear however we can. 

But why, I ask myself… WHY wud u read a blog, written by a stranger, or cos a friend told you to read it, cos their crazy friend wrote it, and then comment or message person and say “DO IT!  KILL YOURSELF.  YOU’RE AN EMO CUNT AND YOU SHUD KILL YOURSELF.”  Or even “why don’t u get on cam and kill yourself in front of me, so I can see” and a whole heap of other abusive stuff, about the hating the person, swearing at them, trying to get them to actually kill themselves???

I mean, I KNOW, I know how DUMB it is to write a blog about killing yourself, it’s a totally fucked up dumb thing to do, ok.  IM AN IDIOT, and I shud never have done it, and I wish I hadn’t, believe me.  If I hadn’t, Phil wud still be my friend, and I wouldnt have hurt a whole heap of other people.  But I did.  Im sorry, but I wasn’t thinking, its not an excuse, well not a good one anyway, but it’s the truth.  I was been selfish and considering only myself at the time.  Im sorry.

BUT what sort of fucked up, demented person (I know I was crazy and demented and fucked up to for writing it in the first place), but what sort of crazy person comments or messages you and tell you to kill youself? And goes on about how much they hate you and calls u a cunt and to kill urself???

I mean FUCK!!!

(and so u know, this outburnt of insults and abuse had NO PART in me deciding not to kill myelf, I had come to tht conclusion a while ago, hence y their haven’t been anymore posts, till now, about 30mins after this lovely person has personally messaged and abused the shit out of me for my blog – to whom I am so sorry u found it so offensive, but u didn’t have to read it, or comment or read more.  You can have just by passed it, u don’t know me, and ur friend, really didn’t need to even tell you about it).

So if u have the balls, either of you, u or ur friend… tell me who told u about my blog, or own up to telling him about my blog.  I mean life is hard enuf as it is, but I don’t need friends like that, that are going to tell me people about my blog or about me, so they come and abuse the shit out of me.  Its people like that, that make you hate urself, and want to end it.  But don’t bother passing out abuse if you don’t even have the guts to own up to it, or say who you are, or who told you.

So SCREW YOU BOTH!!!!

Ive been to hell and back, and ive been depressed and hated myself to the point where, yes I wanted to die and I cudnt take life anymore, so yes I was a fucken dumbass, and no, im not 100% ok, or close to it, I still have my issues and they still affect me, and im sorry to those who have been hurt by them, or ive pissed off cos of them, but I am trying and I am changing and growing and but one day I will be back to my old self and be 100% again, and I jst hope demented cruel people like yourselves have grown up to, enuf to realize comments like that don’t help anyone, and LIFE is ALWAYS the best thing, no one deserves to die, NO ONE!  No matter how fucked up or messed up they are. 

Everyone deserves a second chance, everyone deserves help and forgiveness.  And if I can come to that understanding after the hurt ive been thru, then anyone can.

So I will prolly blog again sometime, but it will prolly be on a different note.  Who knows where I will end up, but I will end up somewhere, and it wont be death – not for a very long time yet. 

Anyway, for now, another note to Phil, I know you think I didn’t listen to you and you wasted your time on me and you didn’t help, but I want to tell you that you did help, a lot.  And I want to thank you so much, for taking the time to even talk to me, and bother with me, when you cud have just passed me by.  I want to thank you for caring enuf to spend so long with me, when u didn’t need to, and it wasn’t ur problem or concern to do so (u did A LOT more than anyone else did, even those I wud have thought wud have).  So thank you, for not giving up on me for so long.  I know I let you down, I know I failed in our friendship and Im so dredfully sorry.  Even writing this, I have tears, I know I didn’t know you well, and even so, you helped me, you tried, you gave me something so precious, you gave me ur time and Im sorry for not doing the right thing. 

It hurts to know that I hurt someone so much, that my selfish actions had such a serious effect on someone else, and that is something Im going to have to try and forgive myself for, and hope that Phil and others can forgive me for. 

BUT I wont be doing anything dumb like that again.  I honestly don’t think life cud get much worse for me than it has, and I def. know how to handle it now, (well better then I have in the past), so even if I get depressed or upset or hurt, which I may comment about (cos hey we all have shit days or even weeks), but I will NEVER again be where I was before.  Things will be different now.  I just know it, and even if they aren’t, I wont let myself fall down that trap again.  I am sorry to everyone.  I truly am.

Im not going to he the stupid moron anymore, as much as I want to stand out and be noticed, I am going to do it by making something of myself :)