You only Fail... when you stop trying...

By sanz on 8:28 PM

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Life is a funny thing, you think you have things figured out, when you dont.  You think you have things fixed, and then they break.

But I guess until you test something you never really know if its going to work.  Its the same with trust, you work at it, and think "yup... done... Ive got it.  I'm healed" and then you find someone, you meet the man of your dreams, he seems so perfect... and your SO happy"... and then its like this little switch get flicked in your head and then BAM!!! Your right back where you started.

I havent figured it out yet, Ive tried and got it wrong. Tried again and got it wrong again. Thought I got it, then realised I hadnt.  But ya know, Edison failed time and time again at inventing the light bulb... some say it took over 3000 attempts, some say 10,000.  But it doesnt really matter, 500 attempts, 1000 attempts... how many of us would have given up long before then.

So I may not have it all figured out yet, I may not be perfect, I may not have the trust thing down packed and I still worry BUT Im not giving up, and I WILL figure it out.  One day I will hold the light bulb in my hands and say "I DID IT! I've made it!"  And all the heartache and trouble will have been worth it.

And right now, I am writing this.. thinking of one guy.  One man who has made me smile and made my heart sing.   We have had our ups and downs, he has seen my jealous side, the side that pushes guys I care for away, the side that is my insanity, the side where I dont trust...
I just hope he has also seen my love and my heart and my soul....
The me, where the issues do not live.
He deserves THAT me...

So as I hold my broken light bulb in my hands, and I look at it and my life, I once again, go to replace the broken light bulb with a new one, a fixed one, in hope that this one will survive, that this one will last and will be complete.












Stuff you all.... this is about ME!!! and I am here 2 Stay!!!

By sanz on 4:20 PM

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Well I haven’t written a blog in ALONG time… and yes the last few times were very depressing.
But a blog is a blog, for whatever reason we write, blogs serve a purpose.  And obviously I am still around to blog some more.
Its funny when you blog, the amount of random people that read it, and comment, either publicly or in private.  I mean, weather u effect them in a positive or negative way, blogs effect people, and if mine effected anyone negatively im sorry for that.
-          On that note, I wud like to say sorry personally to Phil, who I know was effected by my blog and actions, Im sorry for been a selfish bitch, and for not giving a shit about you.  Im sorry, and I do regret it and I wish there had been a different outcome to our friendship.  I am forever sorry to you, and I pray that one day you will forgive me, and maybe even talk to me again.  I know that’s a huge ask, but I live in hope everyday. 

So random people reading blogs, ya know, its one thing to read someone elses blog, sorry I didn’t put mine on private, maybe when I look back I should have, so only certain people could have read it, but I didn’t.  But you read someone elses blog, and see their heartache and pain and their turmoil, and their “attention seeking” efforts as many call it, but attention seeking or not, its still a cry out for help, and needs something.  But what I don’t understand, everyone goes through depressing times in our lives, we all cry and hurt, some more than others, some blog about it, some cry out, some hold it in, some don’t think at all and just end their lives, some talk to people, some eat… some do a few of those, but we all do something, in our attempts to make our lives better, or to make the feelings we have disappear however we can. 

But why, I ask myself… WHY wud u read a blog, written by a stranger, or cos a friend told you to read it, cos their crazy friend wrote it, and then comment or message person and say “DO IT!  KILL YOURSELF.  YOU’RE AN EMO CUNT AND YOU SHUD KILL YOURSELF.”  Or even “why don’t u get on cam and kill yourself in front of me, so I can see” and a whole heap of other abusive stuff, about the hating the person, swearing at them, trying to get them to actually kill themselves???

I mean, I KNOW, I know how DUMB it is to write a blog about killing yourself, it’s a totally fucked up dumb thing to do, ok.  IM AN IDIOT, and I shud never have done it, and I wish I hadn’t, believe me.  If I hadn’t, Phil wud still be my friend, and I wouldnt have hurt a whole heap of other people.  But I did.  Im sorry, but I wasn’t thinking, its not an excuse, well not a good one anyway, but it’s the truth.  I was been selfish and considering only myself at the time.  Im sorry.
BUT what sort of fucked up, demented person (I know I was crazy and demented and fucked up to for writing it in the first place), but what sort of crazy person comments or messages you and tell you to kill youself? And goes on about how much they hate you and calls u a cunt and to kill urself???
I mean FUCK!!!
(and so u know, this outburnt of insults and abuse had NO PART in me deciding not to kill myelf, I had come to tht conclusion a while ago, hence y their haven’t been anymore posts, till now, about 30mins after this lovely person has personally messaged and abused the shit out of me for my blog – to whom I am so sorry u found it so offensive, but u didn’t have to read it, or comment or read more.  You can have just by passed it, u don’t know me, and ur friend, really didn’t need to even tell you about it).
So if u have the balls, either of you, u or ur friend… tell me who told u about my blog, or own up to telling him about my blog.  I mean life is hard enuf as it is, but I don’t need friends like that, that are going to tell me people about my blog or about me, so they come and abuse the shit out of me.  Its people like that, that make you hate urself, and want to end it.  But don’t bother passing out abuse if you don’t even have the guts to own up to it, or say who you are, or who told you.
So SCREW YOU BOTH!!!!
Ive been to hell and back, and ive been depressed and hated myself to the point where, yes I wanted to die and I cudnt take life anymore, so yes I was a fucken dumbass, and no, im not 100% ok, or close to it, I still have my issues and they still affect me, and im sorry to those who have been hurt by them, or ive pissed off cos of them, but I am trying and I am changing and growing and but one day I will be back to my old self and be 100% again, and I jst hope demented cruel people like yourselves have grown up to, enuf to realize comments like that don’t help anyone, and LIFE is ALWAYS the best thing, no one deserves to die, NO ONE!  No matter how fucked up or messed up they are. 

Everyone deserves a second chance, everyone deserves help and forgiveness.  And if I can come to that understanding after the hurt ive been thru, then anyone can.

So I will prolly blog again sometime, but it will prolly be on a different note.  Who knows where I will end up, but I will end up somewhere, and it wont be death – not for a very long time yet. 

Anyway, for now, another note to Phil, I know you think I didn’t listen to you and you wasted your time on me and you didn’t help, but I want to tell you that you did help, a lot.  And I want to thank you so much, for taking the time to even talk to me, and bother with me, when you cud have just passed me by.  I want to thank you for caring enuf to spend so long with me, when u didn’t need to, and it wasn’t ur problem or concern to do so (u did A LOT more than anyone else did, even those I wud have thought wud have).  So thank you, for not giving up on me for so long.  I know I let you down, I know I failed in our friendship and Im so dredfully sorry.  Even writing this, I have tears, I know I didn’t know you well, and even so, you helped me, you tried, you gave me something so precious, you gave me ur time and Im sorry for not doing the right thing. 

It hurts to know that I hurt someone so much, that my selfish actions had such a serious effect on someone else, and that is something Im going to have to try and forgive myself for, and hope that Phil and others can forgive me for. 

BUT I wont be doing anything dumb like that again.  I honestly don’t think life cud get much worse for me than it has, and I def. know how to handle it now, (well better then I have in the past), so even if I get depressed or upset or hurt, which I may comment about (cos hey we all have shit days or even weeks), but I will NEVER again be where I was before.  Things will be different now.  I just know it, and even if they aren’t, I wont let myself fall down that trap again.  I am sorry to everyone.  I truly am.
Im not going to he the stupid moron anymore, as much as I want to stand out and be noticed, I am going to do it by making something of myself :)  

Quicksand

By sanz on 12:37 AM

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We dig ourselves into these holes, and when we try to dig ourselves out, we end up digging ourselves deeper in the hole.  Like quicksand, the more u struggle, the more u sink and the more trouble u get yourself in to.
Everyone in life, tell you, “you can do it, you can change, just pick yourself up, don’t give up” …. Blah blah blah and for awhile, you really look up and you try, but you end up digging youself deeper in the hole, you end up sinking further in the quicksand, and you end up in a worse situation then when you started. 
But no one understands that.  Yes people have been in worse situations then yours and they managed to get out and are doing well now, but they aren’t you.  They aren’t me!

For some people, it just doesn’t get better.  For some, they don’t get the light at the end of the tunnel.  For some, they die in that hole, and they suffocate in that quicksand. 

Been listening to some music… and here are some lyrics that just seem to click right now.



Save Me From Myself
(By Brian ‘Head’ Welch – ex Korn member)

“Another day in life
Which way will I go?
Will I pick suicide
How do I say no?
The demons are calling me
"Just one more line"
Voices echoing in my head
These thoughts aren't mine

Chop it
Snort it
The kid?
ignore it
Life sucks
I'm over it
Save me from myself
Can't quit
I tried it
Your love?
denied it
Can't fake it
I hate it
please help me

God!!
Save me from myself
I'm beggin you
God
Save me from my hell

Chillin in my own gutter
I've sunk so low.”

Yea that’s not all of them, but its enough.  I cant get out of my hole, I just keep digging myself deeper, and I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.  Its so easier to give advice, but picking yourself up and changing is so hard and I just cant do it alone. 
Im not strong enough to do it alone.

I think this will be my last post, they are all the same anyway, nothing changes so there is nothing new.  So there is no point blogging anymore.  There is no point in anything anymore.


I don’t want to be here anymore.
I don’t want to hurt anymore. 
I don’t want to fight anymore or struggle anymore.
I cant do it anymore.  


My life isn’t worth saving. 
My life causes more damage that good, my hurt only causes me to hurt others.

It’s finally over.

You cant hide whats inside...

By sanz on 11:16 PM

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There are so many things in life that bring us down, it seems things are designed for just that.  I don’t know why, we live in such a beautiful world, without all the man made shit, its actually quite an amazing place.  Sometimes I wish things would just go back to how they were before the internet, before tv, before cell phones… when people relied on each other. 
Its funny, life is so depressing, finances, people, society, hollywood… all setting out to tell us how bad we are.  I mean shit, I think I have failed at almost everything I have done.  As I sit here, writing this as a jobless bum, as a depressive loner, sitting alone in her room.  No money, no friends, no hope, no assets, no life…
 
Well I have a life, yes, I even failed at ending that.  It seems not been able to swallow tablets makes OD’ing so much harder then if u can just swallow a whole heap. (maybe another option is needed)

So, its 2011, tried once to end it and failed!
Time to re-think…
So many thoughts, do I use my joblessness, and live in the gym? And actually lose some weight and sort myself out, and start liking myself again?  Yes I love this plan, but I know me, and Im to unmotivated for it.  I get to the gym, and just want to come home, Im lazy and unmotivated.  So yes GREAT plan, im just not sure if I can pull it out, but the other options aren’t much better.

-          Get a job = ideally yes, but not easy either, and I don’t have the final say in it. 
-          End life = I know, not a great idea, selfish, not worth it blah blah blah… but its SO appealing
-          Get off the computer and do things I enjoy, like my art… get back into my art.   
                                   I  like this idea to, but it doesn’t sort out my health or my lack of job issue.
                             -        Get out and join a club = which I don’t have the money for, and im anti social, 
                                  and I wouldn’t know what to do.

Im sure there are other options, but Im tired and cant think of any… it’s a blog, not an assignment lol This is not a pre set out piece of work, I am just writing out of my head lol. 

Ok, so my new friend told me I had better make this a happy blog, I know, I know… What was he thinking?  He doesn’t know me at all… lol But he wants happy, Im not sure I can do happy, so I’ll just blog about him, till something better comes up. 

I must say, he has managed to bring a smile to face, in all the hours we have talked… I admit, when we first spoke, I thought he was a crazy fuck (in a bad way), I mean he just wouldn’t shut up… I couldn’t keep up with the guy.  I finally shut the guy up, and man, my first assumption was correct, HE IS A FREAK!  LOL…  But anyone at the moment who can make me smile is great in my book \o/   
Its kinda funny actually, u’d look at him, and look at me, and be like WTF?!?!?!?!?!?! 
What are they doing together? Why are they talking to each other? ?!?!?!?!?! Confusion… oddness… jst unable to comprehend that there would be any similarities… but screw u all  lol :P 
My conclusion on the matter is this…
He is a freak on the outside, I am a freak on the inside. 
SO….
He shows on the outside, what I am on the inside :P
So thanks, ya awesome lil freak *pinches your cheek* lol  (to bad ur a damn aussie hehe)
But we’ll see how long that all lasts… lol yup, seeing the depressive loner downer side already (don’t slap me Wyvern)… 

*added some dragon pics I like and already had on my pc, jst for u Wyvern... ya awesome freak* hehe

2011…
I am really at a loss as what to do. I am stumped.
I know for things to change, I have to make a change, but its so far easier said then done.  Habits are hard to break, and honestly, Im just not strong enuf to do it alone… but I have to, cos I have no one around to help me or support me (yes I mentioned Freak guy lol, but he isn’t here)… no one is actually HERE, in the flesh, by me, dealing with me, the real me, not the me online, typing this blog… but ME… seeing my tears, seeing my flaws, seeing my joys, experiencing my failures and successes.  Its different to talking to someone online, but actually experiencing their life with them… is a FAR different connection, and one which I don’t have with anyone.  (I have family, yes, but again its different, u share so much with family, they r forced to stick around, but friends… people who choose u, people who want to be around u, through the good and bad, its different.  I want that, yet its what I lack). 
Yes I know there are ways to solve it, but as said previously… its easier said then done.  I can meet people and be nice, and u get on, and its ok, that’s just what u do, but having that connection with someone, to actually form a strong friendship is different.  It has happened, but everytime it has, (heres the shitter), the person has had to move away, has got married and our friendship changed, they found a better friend and totally changed and we became different people and didn’t get on anymore… or once again, moved away, and well the friendship gradually weakened. 

I just wish I was thinner, prettier, so then I wouldn’t have a problem, cos id be more popular and ppl wud like me and want to be my friend, and I cud shop in any shop I wanted, without worrying about size.  I just feel I cant afford to be who I want to be, I am to self conscious to dress how I want to be, I am to big to wear what I want to wear.  I don’t know, good looking people can do what they want, and have those out going personalities to go with what they do.  They can be freaks and no one cares cos they are hot, they can be out there and weird, and its ok.  Yet if a bigger person does they same, they just look stupid, or are put down, or judged or laughed at, and usually don’t have the personality to carry it off, cos deep down they are crying or hurting inside. 

I just don’t know where to go or what to do.  I wish I had someone to just come beside me and be my friend.  Like in person, actually be here and hang with me and laugh with me and understand me.  And not judge me for my past or my hurts, or my crazy outgoings, or how I look.  But just by my friend and hang with me, and not care, and not walk away cos I have a strong opinion on something, someone that just wont leave. 
I really just hate having no one to hang with, or talk to and I mean REALLY talk to, not someone who reads my blog to get to know me, but someone who actually sits with me and GETS TO KNOW me!!!  It just makes me want to cry, it does make me get all teary eyed at the realization that I do have no one who is really there for me.  Not even one.  I mean, even losers have ONE friend. 
I see my facebook, and see old friends from school, and see how they are still friends with other, and hang out, and it makes me sad.  I see how they are married, or have kids, or both, and yea Im happy for them, but it makes me sad.  It reminds me of friends I had, of my best friend right through college (high school), 5yrs of been besties, hanging out, so much in common, we got on so well.  And then in 7th form, while Im working, a school friend asks me while I wasn’t at my best friends farewell party the other night, and in shock, I stand there stumped.  My best friend, of 5yrs, all through high school, was leaving the country and didn’t even tell me.  School ends and she leaves, and didn’t even bother to tell me.  It crushed me, I don’t even understand it.  She came back like a year later, and again I find out through someone else, I see her facebook and she looks happy, which is great, but it makes me sad, I just don’t get what I did so wrong, that she wouldn’t tell me she was leaving.  It was like our friendship was some fling, just a high school thing.  Whats up with that?  

Im just not good enough.  Im not smart enough, not pretty enough, not popular enuf, not clever enuf, not funny enuf.   Im just not anything enuf.  I have NOTHING going for me.  I have nothing that stands out, nothing that makes me different from anyone else,  I have nothing to offer anyone, that they cudnt get from anyone else. 

Ok, sorry not so much of a happy blog.  Sorry.  I tried, but I guess when u sit down and just type what u know and what u really feel and are alone, whats inside just comes out.  And this is whats inside. 

The only way...

By sanz on 10:25 PM

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Thank you to everyone who has read my blog and tried to help or give me advice, I appreciate it, I really do, please dont take this as sign of disrespect or not listening, but I've decided (yes me, I made the choice, and yes Im aware I could choose another path, but I honestly feel Im not strong enough anymore), so Ive decided that I just cant do it anymore, so this is goodbye.

I am not strong, but weak.  I've realised that this is who I am, and I cant change.  I have hurt myself and to many other people, and I cant do it anymore.  Its not fair on them, or on me.  So I just cant do this anymore, its to hard and I dont see any other way.

I am sorry.  But at least this way there will be no more pain, and I wont hurt anymore.  I am truly sorry to you all, everyone I have hurt, or yelled at, or judged, or everything else.  I didnt mean to and I did want to change.  But I cant.
I just cant.  Ive tried and failed.  Ive failed at everything, and this is just one more thing I have once again failed at.  I have failed all my friends, and myself.  And we all know, that your lives would be better off without me. 
I am just so sorry for putting you through my shit, and for not learning and for not changing.

I am what I am.  Created this way or turned into this... This is who I am.
I am evil. I am a bitch.  I am crazy and judgemental.  I am unworthy and a failure.  I am horrible and pathetic.  I am a bad person.  I am broken and twisted, I am torn and incomplete.  I am dead inside.
But I am me.
Even if I fail at being me, this is who I am, this is who I was.
But no more.  I will no longer be there to put any of you through any of it again.  I am sorry.  I regret so much, even though I cant change it, and I cant even make it right, or change for the future (IVE TRIED AND FAILED, yes uve given me advice, some of u, but Ive tried... I really have, even though some think I havent, I have, ive just failed and failed and failed).  So no more.
I cant take it anymore.

I know, I was really hoping for a happy end to this blog, and maybe for some of you, this is it.  But not for me.  This is not how I wanted it to end.  I really wanted to leave an impact, to help people, to save people, but I cant, Im sorry.

Sadly there is no happy ending, not this time. Because the world is better off without me.  I dont bring anything good to this world, only saddness and destruction.  I am like poison.  I dont have a good bone in my body, they have vanished, dissolved, or were never there and I was just fooling myself into thinking I was an ok person who had just been hurt.
I dont even believe that now.  I just cant do it anymore, just always hurting, always crying, always pain, always failing.  Its not right, and yes people have survived worse, but I am weak.  I used to say I was strong for getting through my life, and managing, wow I fooled myself on so many things.

I may edit this soon, if I can, but right now I just need sleep or something.  I need a plan, I need....
I just need...

So goodbye.
I am very sorry to everyone, esp to those of you dear to me, who I once thought I was dear to you as well, I was wrong.  Im not dear to anyone.  Im not good enuf for anyone. 
No one loves me, no one cares for me, and its my fault.  I did it to myself.
I am sorry for failing you.

The Final Frontier

By sanz on 11:42 PM

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Some people have asked me, why I open up so much, yet still hide a huge chunk of truth (ok not alot of people, cos well, I dont think many people even read this), but its been commented on, as some other stuff has to, but I guess face one thing at a time right...
So its been asked, what happened 13yrs ago?  What started this whole tragic mess...
And I guess, its not so much hiding it, as... is it the sort of thing that you put in a public blog? (even though no one reads it)... Im not sure, but this is my output, my letting go, and where I vent, and even though no one else matters, I believe in the truth and been honest, as much as it can hurt.
So tonight is the night that I will finally face and share the thing that sparked it all.

It was a dark and stormy night.... lol ok kidding.  Sorry, I guess a little humour seems to ease the depth of the situation and make it easier, and yes, I am trying to delay and put this off.... (even that sentence alone took long enough to write). 

So as most of you (the one person who actually reads this lol), may have already guessed and figured out (you clever people, and yes delaying again)... 13yrs ago, when I was 15yrs old, I was raped.  Yes the dreaded R... word, the one we all shun and hide from, I was sexually abused.
Not even legal, a sweet, innocent girl, with hopes and beliefs of true love, and saving myself till marriage (yes it seems I was a fool).  It kinda messed me up.  I didnt tell anyone, not till I was 22, so I held it in for like 7yrs, and well holding a bomb like that inside, is like a volcano ready to burst... and you know one day its got to explode.  My dreams of no sex before marriage were shattered, hopes of true love shattered, I let myself go.  I didnt care about myself or anyone else.  I stopped caring, hating me, hating life, hating it all.
 
Wow how indepth do I go here... Im a fairly strong person, or so I thought, I carried on with life just like everyone else, I dated, studied, went out, I had a life.  I was happy and content - on the outside.  But on the inside I was broken and dying.  Every relationship I was in failed, either he cheated, or left me for someone else, or ran off to a brothel... the one guy I do remember who seemed decent, he moved away and long distance never works.  And after that, they were all bad.

What else do I say?
I went to counselling for over a year, it helped at the time, and I thought it helped completely till my ex (my fiance) called off our engagement cos I wasnt thin enough for him.  
You know the rest... if you've read my other blogs... I dont trust people, I cry all the time... I just hide it well (well in person I do).
So thats that...I guess there is nothing else left to say, you know it all.
13yrs later and I am still messed up, I havent healed, I havent grown, I am still this lil 15yr old girl who is hurting inside and who doesnt know what to do, and who doesnt trust men or anyone else for that matter. 

So again, as I sit here writing my blog in tears, I dont even know if writing this shit helps or not.  Prolly not, prolly just makes me rehash all my shit.  Makes me sad, and makes me cry.  Maybe one day I will have an amazing revelation and just know what to do.
God I hope so.

Ode to Fail

By sanz on 12:33 AM

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13yrs of been messed up... and still under 30... (which is messed up in itself).
I dont know why I havent figured it all out yet.  Ive talked to people, asked for help, had help...
and still I am fucked up.

I dont know how to help myself, and no one knows how to help me - although many ways have been tried.
- How about, ignore the problem?  or my so called friends ignore me while im acting out or acting depressed or whatever.
- How about tell me to change (cos if it were that easy Id have done it by now)
- Move on, forget the past, stop holding on to it.

How can you change when no one gives you a shot?
I mean, Ive told friends my issues, and when something happens, they choose to ignore me, and hope the issue will go away, rather then talk to me, rather then actually seek deeper to help me, just ignore me.  And yea I know my friends arent counsellors and they do the best they can, but ignoring the problems never make them go away.  In most cases, when things are ignored they usually just grow bigger.

Its funny, I write that, and it even makes it sound like I have friends, which I dont.  I am SO messed up, that I dont even have them.  Not really.  I have people I know on facebook, or msn, I have people ive met online on skype etc... but friends, real friends that I hang with in person, laugh with, people who know me - there are none.
Not a few, or one or two.  But none.
I am SO messed up, that from a childhood of happiness and been so popular and having more friends then I ever needed, to having NONE.
To crying as I type this, to looking at people from my childhoods facebook, how they have remained friends with people from our class or school, how they have travelled, how they are happy...
and then I look at me, and I am full of regret.
I have nothing.
I have noone
Ive done nothing
Ive been nowhere
And I have nothing to show for it.  No money, No house, No assets, No children, No partner... Nothing... but tears and regret and loss and pain and brokenness.
I dont know how to get out.
I dont know how to start over
I dont know how to clear the past and start a fresh
I dont know how to forget or to forgive
I dont know how to trust :(
I dont know how!!!!
And it tears me up inside.  I cant deal with it anymore.  Im sitting here crying my eyes out... alone.
I am lost and confused and tired.
Some days I have a moment of happiness, but its fleeting and never lasts.  Although in the real world I can cover it well, in the online world not so much, I guess I am more open here.  Although still messed up.
Sometimes I just dont even know why I bother, its been 13years and nothing has improved, just got worse, I dont know what the point is to even try.  I fail so often.  My whole life is a failure.
And yet the one friend I thought I cud trust and call out to, again, just ignored me, thinking I was causing drama and lying.  Sorry that when I pour my heart out, and its so full of pain and hurt that it seems like drama and lies.
But this is me, if I cud record sound ud hear my tears and sobs and sniffles...its funny, when u lie, people think its truth and when u tell the truth people think its lies.  I used to pride myself on been truthful, honest to a fault... blunt!  And my friend knew this, yet still... when I would tell him my heart, and hurt, to him it was just more drama and lies. 

I mean fuck... it wouldnt be drama and lies anymore if I just gave up... not that he would know, or care... cos we dont even talk anymore, because of my drama and lies... so we dont talk... so he wouldnt know if i ceased to exist.
Sometimes giving up just seems easier, and honestly, Im sick of fighting, sick of trying for what seems like a pointless cause, sick of been sad and hurting.

Im sick of been lonely. 

Yet its me who pushes people away.
Its all just [part of been messed up and now been a social retard.
Anyway, yet another depressing post, I cud go on... but Im tired, and its pointless.  Im sure no one reads this anyway.  Just talking to myself like some crazy person *woot* go me!

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