Life is a funny thing, you think you have things figured out, when you dont. You think you have things fixed, and then they break.
But I guess until you test something you never really know if its going to work. Its the same with trust, you work at it, and think "yup... done... Ive got it. I'm healed" and then you find someone, you meet the man of your dreams, he seems so perfect... and your SO happy"... and then its like this little switch get flicked in your head and then BAM!!! Your right back where you started.
I havent figured it out yet, Ive tried and got it wrong. Tried again and got it wrong again. Thought I got it, then realised I hadnt. But ya know, Edison failed time and time again at inventing the light bulb... some say it took over 3000 attempts, some say 10,000. But it doesnt really matter, 500 attempts, 1000 attempts... how many of us would have given up long before then.
So I may not have it all figured out yet, I may not be perfect, I may not have the trust thing down packed and I still worry BUT Im not giving up, and I WILL figure it out. One day I will hold the light bulb in my hands and say "I DID IT! I've made it!" And all the heartache and trouble will have been worth it.
And right now, I am writing this.. thinking of one guy. One man who has made me smile and made my heart sing. We have had our ups and downs, he has seen my jealous side, the side that pushes guys I care for away, the side that is my insanity, the side where I dont trust...
I just hope he has also seen my love and my heart and my soul....
The me, where the issues do not live.
He deserves THAT me...
So as I hold my broken light bulb in my hands, and I look at it and my life, I once again, go to replace the broken light bulb with a new one, a fixed one, in hope that this one will survive, that this one will last and will be complete.
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Which way will I go?
Will I pick suicide
How do I say no?
The demons are calling me
"Just one more line"
Voices echoing in my head
These thoughts aren't mine
Chop it
Snort it
The kid?
ignore it
Life sucks
I'm over it
Save me from myself
Can't quit
I tried it
Your love?
denied it
Can't fake it
I hate it
please help me
God!!
Save me from myself
I'm beggin you
God
Save me from my hell
Chillin in my own gutter
I've sunk so low.”
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Thank you to everyone who has read my blog and tried to help or give me advice, I appreciate it, I really do, please dont take this as sign of disrespect or not listening, but I've decided (yes me, I made the choice, and yes Im aware I could choose another path, but I honestly feel Im not strong enough anymore), so Ive decided that I just cant do it anymore, so this is goodbye.
I am not strong, but weak. I've realised that this is who I am, and I cant change. I have hurt myself and to many other people, and I cant do it anymore. Its not fair on them, or on me. So I just cant do this anymore, its to hard and I dont see any other way.
I am sorry. But at least this way there will be no more pain, and I wont hurt anymore. I am truly sorry to you all, everyone I have hurt, or yelled at, or judged, or everything else. I didnt mean to and I did want to change. But I cant.
I just cant. Ive tried and failed. Ive failed at everything, and this is just one more thing I have once again failed at. I have failed all my friends, and myself. And we all know, that your lives would be better off without me.
I am just so sorry for putting you through my shit, and for not learning and for not changing.
I am what I am. Created this way or turned into this... This is who I am.
I am evil. I am a bitch. I am crazy and judgemental. I am unworthy and a failure. I am horrible and pathetic. I am a bad person. I am broken and twisted, I am torn and incomplete. I am dead inside.
But I am me.
Even if I fail at being me, this is who I am, this is who I was.
But no more. I will no longer be there to put any of you through any of it again. I am sorry. I regret so much, even though I cant change it, and I cant even make it right, or change for the future (IVE TRIED AND FAILED, yes uve given me advice, some of u, but Ive tried... I really have, even though some think I havent, I have, ive just failed and failed and failed). So no more.
I cant take it anymore.
I know, I was really hoping for a happy end to this blog, and maybe for some of you, this is it. But not for me. This is not how I wanted it to end. I really wanted to leave an impact, to help people, to save people, but I cant, Im sorry.
Sadly there is no happy ending, not this time. Because the world is better off without me. I dont bring anything good to this world, only saddness and destruction. I am like poison. I dont have a good bone in my body, they have vanished, dissolved, or were never there and I was just fooling myself into thinking I was an ok person who had just been hurt.
I dont even believe that now. I just cant do it anymore, just always hurting, always crying, always pain, always failing. Its not right, and yes people have survived worse, but I am weak. I used to say I was strong for getting through my life, and managing, wow I fooled myself on so many things.
I may edit this soon, if I can, but right now I just need sleep or something. I need a plan, I need....
I just need...
So goodbye.
I am very sorry to everyone, esp to those of you dear to me, who I once thought I was dear to you as well, I was wrong. Im not dear to anyone. Im not good enuf for anyone.
No one loves me, no one cares for me, and its my fault. I did it to myself.
I am sorry for failing you.
Some people have asked me, why I open up so much, yet still hide a huge chunk of truth (ok not alot of people, cos well, I dont think many people even read this), but its been commented on, as some other stuff has to, but I guess face one thing at a time right...
So its been asked, what happened 13yrs ago? What started this whole tragic mess...
And I guess, its not so much hiding it, as... is it the sort of thing that you put in a public blog? (even though no one reads it)... Im not sure, but this is my output, my letting go, and where I vent, and even though no one else matters, I believe in the truth and been honest, as much as it can hurt.
So tonight is the night that I will finally face and share the thing that sparked it all.
It was a dark and stormy night.... lol ok kidding. Sorry, I guess a little humour seems to ease the depth of the situation and make it easier, and yes, I am trying to delay and put this off.... (even that sentence alone took long enough to write).
So as most of you (the one person who actually reads this lol), may have already guessed and figured out (you clever people, and yes delaying again)... 13yrs ago, when I was 15yrs old, I was raped. Yes the dreaded R... word, the one we all shun and hide from, I was sexually abused.
Not even legal, a sweet, innocent girl, with hopes and beliefs of true love, and saving myself till marriage (yes it seems I was a fool). It kinda messed me up. I didnt tell anyone, not till I was 22, so I held it in for like 7yrs, and well holding a bomb like that inside, is like a volcano ready to burst... and you know one day its got to explode. My dreams of no sex before marriage were shattered, hopes of true love shattered, I let myself go. I didnt care about myself or anyone else. I stopped caring, hating me, hating life, hating it all.
Wow how indepth do I go here... Im a fairly strong person, or so I thought, I carried on with life just like everyone else, I dated, studied, went out, I had a life. I was happy and content - on the outside. But on the inside I was broken and dying. Every relationship I was in failed, either he cheated, or left me for someone else, or ran off to a brothel... the one guy I do remember who seemed decent, he moved away and long distance never works. And after that, they were all bad.
What else do I say?
I went to counselling for over a year, it helped at the time, and I thought it helped completely till my ex (my fiance) called off our engagement cos I wasnt thin enough for him.
You know the rest... if you've read my other blogs... I dont trust people, I cry all the time... I just hide it well (well in person I do).
So thats that...I guess there is nothing else left to say, you know it all.
13yrs later and I am still messed up, I havent healed, I havent grown, I am still this lil 15yr old girl who is hurting inside and who doesnt know what to do, and who doesnt trust men or anyone else for that matter.
So again, as I sit here writing my blog in tears, I dont even know if writing this shit helps or not. Prolly not, prolly just makes me rehash all my shit. Makes me sad, and makes me cry. Maybe one day I will have an amazing revelation and just know what to do.
God I hope so.
13yrs of been messed up... and still under 30... (which is messed up in itself).
I dont know why I havent figured it all out yet. Ive talked to people, asked for help, had help...
and still I am fucked up.
I dont know how to help myself, and no one knows how to help me - although many ways have been tried.
- How about, ignore the problem? or my so called friends ignore me while im acting out or acting depressed or whatever.
- How about tell me to change (cos if it were that easy Id have done it by now)
- Move on, forget the past, stop holding on to it.
How can you change when no one gives you a shot?
I mean, Ive told friends my issues, and when something happens, they choose to ignore me, and hope the issue will go away, rather then talk to me, rather then actually seek deeper to help me, just ignore me. And yea I know my friends arent counsellors and they do the best they can, but ignoring the problems never make them go away. In most cases, when things are ignored they usually just grow bigger.
Its funny, I write that, and it even makes it sound like I have friends, which I dont. I am SO messed up, that I dont even have them. Not really. I have people I know on facebook, or msn, I have people ive met online on skype etc... but friends, real friends that I hang with in person, laugh with, people who know me - there are none.
Not a few, or one or two. But none.
I am SO messed up, that from a childhood of happiness and been so popular and having more friends then I ever needed, to having NONE.
To crying as I type this, to looking at people from my childhoods facebook, how they have remained friends with people from our class or school, how they have travelled, how they are happy...
and then I look at me, and I am full of regret.
I have nothing.
I have noone
Ive done nothing
Ive been nowhere
And I have nothing to show for it. No money, No house, No assets, No children, No partner... Nothing... but tears and regret and loss and pain and brokenness.
I dont know how to get out.
I dont know how to start over
I dont know how to clear the past and start a fresh
I dont know how to forget or to forgive
I dont know how to trust :(
I dont know how!!!!
And it tears me up inside. I cant deal with it anymore. Im sitting here crying my eyes out... alone.
I am lost and confused and tired.
Some days I have a moment of happiness, but its fleeting and never lasts. Although in the real world I can cover it well, in the online world not so much, I guess I am more open here. Although still messed up.
Sometimes I just dont even know why I bother, its been 13years and nothing has improved, just got worse, I dont know what the point is to even try. I fail so often. My whole life is a failure.
And yet the one friend I thought I cud trust and call out to, again, just ignored me, thinking I was causing drama and lying. Sorry that when I pour my heart out, and its so full of pain and hurt that it seems like drama and lies.
But this is me, if I cud record sound ud hear my tears and sobs and sniffles...its funny, when u lie, people think its truth and when u tell the truth people think its lies. I used to pride myself on been truthful, honest to a fault... blunt! And my friend knew this, yet still... when I would tell him my heart, and hurt, to him it was just more drama and lies.
I mean fuck... it wouldnt be drama and lies anymore if I just gave up... not that he would know, or care... cos we dont even talk anymore, because of my drama and lies... so we dont talk... so he wouldnt know if i ceased to exist.
Sometimes giving up just seems easier, and honestly, Im sick of fighting, sick of trying for what seems like a pointless cause, sick of been sad and hurting.
Im sick of been lonely.
Yet its me who pushes people away.
Its all just [part of been messed up and now been a social retard.
Anyway, yet another depressing post, I cud go on... but Im tired, and its pointless. Im sure no one reads this anyway. Just talking to myself like some crazy person *woot* go me!